use of that word never failed to shock me。 〃But I'm hoping that there is still
a point to this life； even for us。
It's a long shot； I'll admit；〃 he continued in an offhand voice。 〃By all
accounts； we're damned regardless。
But I hope； maybe foolishly； that we'll get some measure of credit for
trying。〃
〃I don't think that's foolish；〃 I mumbled。 I couldn't imagine anyone； deity
included； who wouldn't be
impressed by Carlisle。 Besides； the only kind of heaven I could appreciate
would have to include
Edward。 〃And I don't think anyone else would； either。〃
〃Actually； you're the very first one to agree with me。〃
〃The rest of them don't feel the same？〃 I asked； surprised； thinking of only
one person in particular。
Carlisle guessed the direction of my thoughts again。 〃Edward's with me up to a
point。 God and heaven
exist and so does hell。 But he doesn't believe there is an afterlife for our
kind。〃 Carlisle's voice was
very soft； he stared out the big window over the sink； into the darkness。 〃You
see； he thinks we've lost
our souls。〃
I immediately thought of Edward's words this afternoon： unless you want to die
—or whatever it is
that we do。 The lightbulb flicked on over my head。
〃That's the real problem； isn't it？〃 I guessed。 〃That's why he's being so
difficult about me。〃
Carlisle spoke slowly。 〃I look at my son。 His strength； his goodness； the
brightness that shines out of
him—and it only fuels that hope； that faith； more than ever。 How could there
not be more for one such as
Edward？〃
I nodded in fervent agreement。
〃But if I believed as he does〃 He looked down at me with unfathomable eyes。
〃If you believed as he
did。 Could you take away his soul？〃
The way he phrased the question thwarted my answer。
If he'd asked me whether I would risk my soul for Edward； the reply would be
obvious。 But would I risk
Edward's soul？ I pursed my lips unhappily。 That wasn't a fair exchange。
〃You see the problem。〃
I shook my head； aware of the stubborn set of my chin。
Carlisle sighed。
〃It's my choice；〃 I insisted。
〃It's his； too。〃 He held up his hand when he could see that I was about to
argue。 〃Whether he is
responsible for doing that to you。〃
〃He's not the only one able to do it。〃 I eyed Carlisle speculatively。
He laughed； abruptly lightening the mood。 〃Oh； no！ You're going to have to
work this out with him。〃But
then he sighed。 〃That's the one part I can never be sure of。 I think； in most
other ways； that I've done the
best I could with what I had to work with。 But was it right to doom the others
to this life？ I can't decide。〃
I didn't answer。 I imagined what my life would be like if Carlisle had
resisted the temptation to change his
lonely existence and shuddered。
〃It was Edward's mother who made up my mind。〃 Carlisle's voice was almost a
whisper。 He stared
unseeingly out the black windows。
〃His mother？〃 Whenever I'd asked Edward about his parents； he would merely say
that they had died
long ago； and his memories were vague。 I realized Carlisle's memory of them；
despite the brevity of their
contact； would be perfectly clear。
〃Yes。 Her name was Elizabeth。 Elizabeth Masen。 His father； Edward Senior；
never regained
consciousness in the hospital。 He died in the first wave of the influenza。 But
Elizabeth was alert until
almost the very end。 Edward looks a great deal like her—she had that same
strange bronze shade to her
hair； and her eyes were exactly the same color green。〃
〃His eyes were green？〃 I murmured； trying to picture it。
〃Yes〃 Carlisle's ocher eyes were a hundred years away now。 〃Elizabeth
worried obsessively over her
son。 She hurt her own chances of survival trying to nurse him from her
sickbed。 I expected that he would
go first； he was so much worse off than she was。 When the end came for her； it
was very quick。 It was
just after sunset； and I'd arrived to relieve the doctors who'd been working
all day。 That was a hard time
to pretend—there was so much work to be done； and I had no need of rest。 How
I hated to go back to
my house； to hide in the dark and pretend to sleep while so many were dying。
〃I went to check Elizabeth and her son first。 I'd grown attached—always a
dangerous thing to do
considering the fragile nature of humans。 I could see at once that she'd taken
a bad turn。 The fever was
raging out of control； and her body was too weak to fight anymore。
〃She didn't look weak； though； when she glared up at me from her cot。
〃Save him！' she manded me in the hoarse voice that was all her throat could
manage。
〃I'll do everything in my power；' I promised her； taking her hand。 The fever
was so high； she probably
couldn't even tell how unnaturally cold mine felt。 Everything felt cold to her
skin。
〃You must；〃 she insisted； clutching at my hand with enough strength that I
wondered if she wouldn't pull
through the crisis after all。 Her eyes were hard； like stones； like emeralds。
'You must do everything in
your power。 What others cannot do； that is what you must do for my Edward。〃
〃It frightened me。 She looked it me with those piercing eyes； and； for one
instant； I felt certain that she
knew my secret。 Then the fever overwhelmed her； and she never regained
consciousness。 She died
within an hour of making her demand。
〃I'd spent decades considering the idea of creating a panion for myself。
Just one other creature who
could really know me； rather than what I pretended to be。 But I could never
justify it to myself—doing
what had been done to me。
〃There Edward lay； dying。 It was clear that he had only hours left。 Beside
him； his mother； her face
somehow not yet peaceful； not even in death。〃
Carlisle saw it all again； his memory unblurred by the intervening century。 I
could see it clearly； too； as he
spoke—the despair of the hospital； the overwhelming atmosphere of death。
Edward burning with fever；
his life slipping away with each tick of the clock I shuddered again； and
forced the picture from my
mind。
〃Elizabeth's words echoed in my head。 How could she guess what I could do？
Could anyone really want
that for her son？
〃I looked at Edward。 Sick as he was； he was still beautiful。 There was
something pure and good about
his face。 The kind of face I would have wanted my son to have。
〃After all those years of indecision； I simply acted on a whim。 I wheeled his
mother to the morgue first；
and then I came back for him。 No one noticed that he was still breathing。
There weren't enough hands；
enough eyes； to keep track of half of what the patients needed。 The morgue was
empty—of the living； at
least。 I stole him out the back door； and carried him across the rooftops back
to my home。
〃I wasn't sure what had to be done。 I settled for recreating the wounds I'd
received myself； so many
centuries earlier in London。 I felt bad about that later。 It was more painful
and lingering than necessary。
〃I wasn't sorry； though。 I've never been sorry that I saved Edward。〃 He shook
his head； ing back to
the present。 He smiled at me。 〃I suppose I should take you home now。〃
〃I'll do that；〃 Edward said。 He came through the shadowy dining room； walking
slowly for him。 His face
was smooth； unreadable； but there was something wrong with his eyes—something
he was trying very
hard to hide。 I felt a spasm of unease in my stomach。
〃Carlisle can take me；〃 I said。 I looked down at my shirt； the light blue
cotton was soaked and spotted
with my blood。 My right shoulder was covered in thick pink frosting。
〃I'm fine。〃 Edward's voice was unemotional。 〃You'll need to change anyway。
You'd give Charlie a heart
attack the way you look。 I'll have Alice get you something。〃 He strode out the
kitchen door again。
I looked at Carlisle anxiously。 〃He's very upset。〃
〃Yes；〃 Carlisle agreed。 〃Tonight is exactly the kind of thing that he fears
the most。 You being put in
danger； because of what we are。〃
〃It's not his fault。〃
〃It's not yours； either。〃
I looked away from his wise； beautiful eyes。 I couldn't agree with that。
Carlisle offered me his hand and helped me up from the table。 I followed him
out into the main room。
Esme had e back； she was mopping the floor where I'd fallen—with straight
bleach from the smell of
it。
〃Esme； let me do that。〃 I could feel that my face was bright red again。
〃I'm already done。〃 She smiled up at me。 〃How do you feel？〃
〃I'm fine；〃 I assured her。 〃Carlisle sews faster than any other doctor I've
had。〃
They both chuckled。
Alice and Edward came in the back doors。 Alice hurried to my side； but Edward
hung back； his face
indecipherable。
〃C'mon；〃 Alice said。 〃I'll get you something less macabre to wear。〃
She found me a shirt of Esme's that was close to the same color mine had been。
Charlie wouldn't notice；
I was sure。 The long white bandage on my arm didn't look nearly as serious
when I was no longer
spattered in gore。 Charlie was never surprised to see me bandaged。
〃Alice；〃 I whispered as she headed back to the door。
〃Yes？〃 She kept her voice low； too； and looked at me curiously； her head
cocked to the side。
〃How bad is it？〃 I couldn't be sure if my whispering was a wasted effort。 Even
though we were upstairs；
with the door closed； perhaps he could hear me。
Her face tensed。 〃I'm not sure yet。〃
〃How's Jasper？〃
She sighed。 〃He's very unhappy with himself。 It's all so much more of
challenge for him； and he hates
feeling weak。〃
〃It's not his fault。 You'll tell him that I'm not mad at him； not at all；
won't you？〃
〃Of course。〃
Edward was waiting for me by the front door。 As I got to the bottom of the
staircase； he held it open
without a word。
〃Take your things！〃 Alice cried as I walked warily toward Edward。 She scooped
up the two packages；
one half…opened； and my camera from under the piano； and pressed them into my
good arm。 〃You can
thank me later； when you've opened them。〃
Esme and Carlisle both said a quiet goodnight。 I could see them stealing quick
glances at their impassive
son； much like I was。
It was a relief to be outside； I hurried past the lanterns and the roses； now
unwele reminders。
Edward