Sam's looking at me funny 。 。 and…〃 He trailed off。
〃Have you talked to Billy about this？〃 I asked。 His horror was spreading to me。 I had chills running on the
back of my neck。
Now there was anger on his face。 〃Yes；〃 he snorted。 〃That was helpful。〃
〃What did he say？〃
Jacob's expression was sarcastic； and when he spoke； his voice mocked the deep tones of his father's
voice。 〃It's nothing you need to worry about now； Jacob。 In a few years； if you don't… well； I'll explain
later。〃 And then his voice was his own。 〃What am I supposed to get from that？ Is he trying to say it's
some stupid puberty； ingofage thing？ This is something else。 Something wrong。〃
He was biting his lower lip and clenching his hands。 He looked like he was about to cry。
I threw my arms around him instinctively； wrapping them around his waist and pressing my face against
his chest。 He was so big； I felt like I was a child hugging a grownup。
〃Oh； Jake； it'll be okay！〃 I promised。 〃If it gets worse you can e live with me and Charlie。 Don't be
scared； we'll think of something！〃
He was frozen for a second； and then his long arms wrapped hesitantly around me。 〃Thanks； Bella。〃 His
voice was huskier than usual。
We stood like that for a moment； and it didn't upset me； in fact； I felt forted by the contact。 This
didn't feel anything like the last time someone had embraced me this way。 This was friendship。 And Jacob
was very warm。
It was strange for me； being this close—emotionally rather than physically； though the physical was
strange for me； too—to another human being。 It wasn't my usual style。 I didn't normally relate to people
so easily； on such a basic level。
Not human beings。
〃If this is how you're going to react； I'll freak out more often。〃 Jacob's voice was light； normal again； and
his laughter rumbled against my ear。 His fingers touched my hair； soft and tentative。
Well； it was friendship for me。
I pulled away quickly； laughing with him； but determined to put things back in perspective at once。
〃It's hard to believe I'm two years older than you；〃 I said； emphasizing the word older。 〃You make me
feel like a dwarf。〃 Standing this close to him； I really had to crane my neck to see his face。
〃You're forgetting I'm in my forties； of course。〃
〃Oh； that's right。〃
He patted my head。 〃You're like a little doll；〃 he teased。 〃A porcelain doll。〃
I rolled my eyes； taking another step away。 〃Let's not start with the albino cracks。〃
〃Seriously； Bella； are you sure you're not？〃 He stretched his russet arm out next to mine。 The difference
wasn't flattering。 〃I've never seen anyone paler than you… well； except for—〃 He broke off； and I
looked away； trying to not understand what he had been about to say。
〃So are we going to ride or what？〃
〃Let's do it；〃 I agreed； more enthusiastic than I would have been half a minute ago。 His unfinished
sentence reminded me of why I was here。
8。 ADRENALINE
〃OKAY； WHERE'S YOUR CLUTCH？〃
I pointed to the lever on my left handlebar。 Letting go of the grip was a mistake。 The heavy bike wobbled
underneath me； threatening to knock me sidewise。 I grabbed the handle again； trying to hold it straight。
〃Jacob； it won't stay up；〃 I plained。
〃It will when you're moving；〃 he promised。 〃Now where's your brake？〃
〃Behind my right foot。〃
〃Wrong。〃
He grabbed my right hand and curled my fingers around the lever over the throttle。
〃But you said—〃
〃This is the brake you want。 Don't use the back brake now； that's for later； when you know what you're
doing。〃
〃That doesn't sound right；〃 I said suspiciously。 〃Aren't both brakes kind of important？〃
〃Forget the back brake； okay？ Here—〃 He wrapped his hand around mine and made me squeeze the
lever down。 〃That is how you brake。 Don't forget。〃 He squeezed my hand another time。
〃Fine；〃 I agreed。
〃Throttle？〃
I twisted the right grip。
〃Gearshift？〃
I nudged it with my left calf。
〃Very good。 I think you've got all the parts down。 Now you just have to get itmoving。〃
〃Uhhuh；〃 I muttered； afraid to say more。 My stomach was contorting strangely and I thought my voice
might crack。 I was terrified。 I tried to tell myself that the fear was pointless。 I'd already lived through the
worst thing possible。 In parison with that； why should anything frighten me now？ I should be able to
look death in the face and laugh。
My stomach wasn't buying it。
I stared down the long stretch of dirt road； bordered by thick misty green on every side。 The road was
sandy and damp。 Better than mud。
〃I want you to hold down the clutch；〃 Jacob instructed。
I wrapped my fingers around the clutch。
〃Now this is crucial； Bella；〃 Jacob stressed。 〃Don't let go of that； okay？ I want you to pretend that I've
handed you a live grenade。 The pin is out and you are holding down the spoon。〃
I squeezed tighter。
〃Good。 Do you think you can kickstart it？〃
〃If I move my foot； I will fall over；〃 I told him through gritted teeth； my fingers tight around my live
grenade。
〃Okay； I'll do it。 Don't let go of the clutch。〃
He took a step back； and then suddenly slammed his foot down on the pedal。 There was a short ripping
noise； and the force of his thrust rocked the bike。 I started to fall sideways； but Jake caught the bike
before it knocked me to the ground。
〃Steady there；〃 he encouraged。 〃Do you still have the clutch？〃
〃Yes；〃 I gasped。
〃Plant your feet—I'm going to try again。〃 But he put his hand on the back of the seat； too； just to be safe。
It took four more kicks before the ignition caught。 I could feel the bike rumbling beneath me like an angry
animal。 I gripped the clutch until my fingers ached。
〃Try out the throttle；〃 he suggested。 〃Very lightly。 And don't let go of the clutch。〃
Hesitantly； I twisted the right handle。 Though the movement was tiny； the bike snarled beneath me。 It
sounded angry and hungry now。 Jacob smiled in deep satisfaction。
〃Do you remember how to put it into first gear？〃 he asked。
〃Yes。〃
〃Well； go ahead and do it。〃
〃Okay。〃
He waited for a few seconds。
〃Left foot；〃 he prompted。
〃I know；〃 I said； taking a deep breath。
〃Are you sure you want to do this？〃 Jacob asked。 〃You look scared。〃
〃I'm fine；〃 I snapped。 I kicked the gearshift down one notch。
〃Very good；〃 he praised me。 〃Now； very gently； ease up on the clutch。〃
He took a step away from the bike。
〃You want me to let go of the grenade？〃 I asked in disbelief。 No wonder he was moving back。
〃That's how you move； Bella。 Just do it little by little。〃
As I began to loosen my grip； I was shocked to be interrupted by a voice that did not belong to the boy
standing next to me。
〃This is reckless and childish and idiotic； Bella；〃 the velvet voice fumed。
〃Oh！〃 I gasped； and my hand fell off the clutch。
The bike bucked under me； yanking me forward and then collapsing to the ground half on top of me。 The
growling engine choked to a stop。
〃Bella？〃 Jacob jerked the heavy bike off me with ease。 〃Are you hurt？〃
But I wasn't listening。
〃I told you so；〃 the perfect voice murmured； crystal clear。
〃Bella？〃 Jacob shook my shoulder。
〃I'm fine；〃 I mumbled； dazed。
More than fine。 The voice in my head was back。 It still rang in my ears—soft； velvety echoes。
My mind ran swiftly through the possibilities。 There was no familiarity here—on a road I'd never seen；
doing something I'd never done before—no deja vu So the hallucinations must be triggered by something
else… I felt the adrenaline coursing through my veins again； and I thought I had the answer。 Some
bination of adrenaline and danger； or maybe just stupidity。
Jacob was pulling me to my feet。
〃Did you hit your head？〃 he asked。
〃I don't think so。〃 I shook it back and forth； checking。 〃I didn't hurt the bike； did I？〃 This thought worried
me。 I was anxious to try again； right away。 Being reckless was paying off better than I'd thought。 Forget
cheating。 Maybe I'd found a way to generate the hallucinations—that was much more important。
〃No。 You just stalled the engine；〃 Jacob said； interrupting my quick speculations。 〃You let go of the clutch
too fast。〃
I nodded。 〃Let's try again。〃
〃Are you sure？〃 Jacob asked。
〃Positive。〃
This time I tried to get the kickstart myself。 It was plicated； I had to jump a little to slam down on
the pedal with enough force； and every time I did that； the bike tried to knock me over。 Jacob's hand
hovered over the handlebars； ready to catch me if I needed him。
It took several good tries； and even more poor tries； before the engine caught and roared to life under
me。 Remembering to hold on to the grenade； I revved the throttle experimentally。 It snarled at the
slightest touch。 My smile mirrored Jacob's now。
〃Easy on the clutch；〃 he reminded me。
〃Do you want to kill yourself； then？ Is that what this is about？〃 the other voice spoke again； his tone
severe。
I smiled tightly—it was still working—and ignored the questions。 Jacob wasn't going to let anything
serious happen to me。
〃Go home to Charlie；〃 the voice ordered。 The sheer beauty of it amazed me。 I couldn't allow my memory
to lose it； no matter the price。
〃Ease off slowly；〃 Jacob encouraged me。
〃I will；〃 I said。 It bothered me a bit when I realized I was answering both of them。
The voice in my head growled against the roar of the motorcycle。
Trying to focus this time； to not let the voice startle me again； I relaxed my hand by tiny degrees。
Suddenly； the gear caught and wrenched me forward。
And I was flying。
There was wind that wasn't there before； blowing my skin against my skull and flinging my hair back
behind me with enough force that it felt like someone was tugging on it。 I'd left my stomach back at the
starting point； the adrenaline coursed through my body； tingling in my veins。 The trees raced past me；
blurring into a wall of green。
But this was only first gear。 My foot itched toward the gearshift as I twisted for more gas。
〃No； Bella！〃 the angry； honeysweet voice ordered in my ear。 〃Watch what you're do