smells too good。 I m impressed you ve lasted this long。 Not helping； Emmett。 I was revolted by his acceptance of the idea that I would kill the girl； that this was somehow inevitable。 Was it her fault that she smelled so good？ I know when it happened to me ； he reminisced； taking me back with him half a century； to a country lane at dusk； where a middleaged women was taking her dried sheets down from a line strung between apple trees。 The scent of apples hung heavy in the air the harvest was over and the rejected fruits were scattered on the ground； the bruises in their skin leaking their fragrance out in thick clouds。 A freshmowed field of hay was a background to that scent； a harmony。 He walked up the lane； all but oblivious to the woman； on an errand for Rosalie。 The sky was purple overhead； orange over the western trees。 He would have continued up the meandering cart path and there would have been no reason to remember the evening； except that a sudden night breeze blew the white sheets out like sails and fanned the woman s scent across Emmett s face。
Ah； I groaned quietly。 I know。 As if my own remembered thirst was not enough。 I didn t even think about resisting。 I didn t last half a second。 His memory became far too explicit for me to stand。 I jumped to my feet； my teeth locked hard enough cut through steel。 Esta bien； Edward？ Senora Goff asked； startled by my sudden movement。 see my face in her mind； and I knew that I looked far from well。 Me perdona； I muttered； as I darted for the door。 Emmett por favor； puedas tu ayuda a tu hermano？ she asked； gesturing helplessly toward me as I rushed out of the room。 Sure； I heard him say。 And then he was right behind me。 I could He followed me to the far side of the building； where he caught up to me and put his hand on my shoulder。 I shoved his hand away with unnecessary force。 It would have shattered the bones in a human hand； and the bones in the arm attached to it。 Sorry； Edward。 I know。 I drew in deep gasps of air； trying to clear my head and my lungs。 Is it as bad as that？ he asked； trying not to think of the scent and the flavor of his memory as he asked； and not quite succeeding。 Worse； Emmett； worse。 He was quiet for a moment。 Maybe No； it would not be better if I got it over with。 want to be alone。 Go back to class； Emmett。 I He turned without another word or thought and walked quickly away。 He would tell the Spanish teacher that I was sick； or ditching； or a dangerously out of control vampire。 Did his excuse really matter？ Maybe I wasn t ing back。 Maybe I had to leave。 I went to my car again； to wait for school to end。 To hide。 Again。 I should have spent the time making decisions or trying to bolster my resolve； but； like an addict； I found myself searching through the babble of thoughts emanating from the school buildings。 The familiar voices stood out； but I wasn t interested in listening to Alice s visions or Rosalie s plaints right now。 I found Jessica easily； but the girl was not with her； so I continued searching。 Mike Newton s thoughts caught my attention； and I located her at last； in gym with him。 He was unhappy； because I d spoken to her today in biology。 He was running over her response when he d brought the subject up I ve never seen him actually talk to anyone for more than a word here or there。
Of course he would decide to find Bella interesting。 I don t like the way he looks at her。 But she didn t seem too excited about him。 What did she say？ Wonder what was with him last Monday。 Something like that。 Didn t sound like she cared。 It couldn t have been much of a conversation He talked himself out of his pessimism in that way； cheered by the idea that Bella had not been interested in her exchange with me。 This annoyed me quite a bit more than was acceptable； so I stopped listening to him。 I put a CD of violent music into the stereo； and then turned it up until it drowned out other voices。 I had to concentrate on the music very hard to keep myself from drifting back to Mike Newton s thoughts； to spy on the unsuspecting girl I cheated a few times； as the hour drew to a close。 Not spying； I tried to convince myself。 I was just preparing。 I wanted to know exactly when she would leave the gym； when she would be in the parking lot。 I didn t want her to take me by surprise。 As the students started to file out of the gym doors； I got out of my car； not sure why I did it。 The rain was light I ignored it as it slowly saturated my hair。 Did I want her to see me here？ was I doing？ Did I hope she would e to speak to me？ What I didn t move； though I tried to convince myself to get back in the car； knowing my behavior was reprehensible。 I kept my arms folded across my chest and breathed very shallowly as I watched her walk slowly toward me； her mouth turning down at the corners。 She didn t look at me。 A few times she glanced up at the clouds with a grimace； as if they offended her。 I was disappointed when she reached her car before she had to pass me。 have spoken to me？ Would I have spoken to her？ Would she She got into a faded red Chevy truck； a rusted behemoth that was older than her father。 I watched her start the truck the old engine roared louder than any other vehicle in the lot and then hold her hands out toward the heating vents。 The cold was unfortable to her she didn t like it。 She bed her fingers through her thick hair； pulling locks through the stream of hot air like she was trying to dry them。 I imagined what the cab of that truck would smell like； and then quickly drove out the thought。 She glanced around as she prepared to back out； and finally looked in my direction。 She stared back at me for only half a second； and all I could read in her eyes was surprise before she tore her eyes away and jerked the truck into reverse。 And then squealed to a stop again； the back end of the truck missing a collision with Erin Teague s pact by mere inches。 She stared into her rearview mirror； her mouth hanging open with chagrin。 When the other car had pulled past her； she checked all her blind spots twice and then inched out the parking space so cautiously that it made me grin。 It was like she thought she was dangerous in her decrepit truck。 The thought of Bella Swan being dangerous to anyone； no matter what she was driving； had me laughing while the girl drove past me； staring straight ahead。
3。 Phenomenon Truly； I was not thirsty； but I decided to hunt again that night。 of prevention； inadequate though I knew it to be。 A small ounce Carlisle came with me； we hadn t been alone together since I d returned from Denali。 As we ran through the black forest； I heard him thinking about that hasty goodbye last week。 In his memory； I saw the way my features had been twisted in fierce despair。 felt his surprise and sudden worry。 Edward？ I have to go； Carlisle。 What s happened？ Nothing。 Yet。 But it will； if I stay。 I felt how it had hurt him when I d cringed away from I have to go now。 I He d reached for my arm。 his hand。 I don t understand。 Have you ever has there ever been a time I watched myself take a deep breath； saw the wild light in my eyes through the filter of his deep concern。 Has any one person ever smelled better to you than the rest of them？ better？ Oh。 When I d known that he understood； my face had fallen with shame。 He d reached out to touch me； ignoring it when I d recoiled again； and left his hand on my shoulder。 Do what you must to resist； son。 faster。 I will miss you。 Here； take my car。 It s Much He was wondering now if he d done the right thing then； sending me away。 Wondering if he hadn t hurt me with his lack of trust。 No； I whispered as I ran。 That was what I needed。 I might so easily have betrayed that trust； if you d told me to stay。 I m sorry you re suffering； Edward。 But you should do what you can to keep the Swan child alive。 Even if it means that you must leave us again。 I know； I know。 Why did you e back？ too difficult You know how happy I am to have you here； but if this is I didn t like feeling a coward； I admitted。
We d slowed we were barely jogging through the darkness now。 Better that than to put her in danger。 She ll be gone in a year or two。 You re right； I know that。 Contrarily； though； his words only made me more anxious to stay。 The girl would be gone in a year or two Carlisle stopped running and I stopped with him； he turned to examine my expression。 But you re not going to run； are you？ I hung my head。 Is it pride； Edward？ There s no shame in Not now。 No； it isn t pride that keeps me here。 Nowhere to go？ I laughed shortly。 No。 That wouldn t stop me； if I could make myself leave。 We ll e with you； of course； if that s what you need。 You only have to ask。 You ve moved on without plaint for the rest of them。 They won t begrudge you this。 I raised one eyebrow。 He laughed。 Yes； Rosalie might； but she owes you。 Anyway； it s much better for us to leave now； no damage done； than for us to leave later； after a life has been ended。 All humor was gone by the end。 I flinched at his words。 Yes； I agreed。 My voice sounded hoarse。 But you re not leaving？ I sighed。 I should。 I m failing to see Even to myself； it made no sense。 What holds you here； Edward？ I don t know if I can explain。 He measured my expression for a long moment。 No； I do not see。 But I will respect your privacy； if you prefer。 Thank you。 It s generous of you； seeing as how I give privacy to no one。 With one exception。 And I was doing what I could to deprive her of that； wasn t I？ We all have our quirks。 He laughed again。 Shall we？ He d just caught the scent of a small herd of deer。 It was hard to rally much enthusiasm for what was； even under the best of circumstances； a less than mouthwatering aroma。 Right now； with the memory of the girl s blood fresh in my mind； the smell actually turned my stomach。 I sighed。 Let s； I agreed； though I knew that forcing more blood down my throat would help so little。
We both shifted into a hunting crouch and let the unappealing scent pull us silently forward。 It was colder when we returned home。 The melted snow had refrozen； it was as if a thin sheet of glass covered everything each pine needle； each fern frond； each blade of grass was iced over。 While Carlisle went to dress for his early shift at the hospital； I stayed by the river； waiting for the